why didn't you poke me back
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
