I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
50% drunk capacity currently
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
