I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
