Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
