so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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