I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
This is my gift to your gina
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
