I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
