either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
