I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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