I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
