is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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