I need to stop coming to work sober
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
