Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
it's like heaven, but drunker
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Randomize
