I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Everyone says I win the strip club
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
