All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Randomize
