I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
