someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Randomize
