if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Randomize
