I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Randomize
