Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
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I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
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You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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