I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Randomize
