I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
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Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
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I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks