you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
