i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
He better not be in your backpack
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
