just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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