I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Randomize
