I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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