I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
