You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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