Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
