Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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