Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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