Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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