im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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