Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Randomize