I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
