i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
dude. I can hear the air.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
