we dont do blackfin have a good night :)
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
