you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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