went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
