4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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