nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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