my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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