I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Randomize
