Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
NoShamevember. You game?
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Randomize
