Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
