He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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