Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I party with great urgency now.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
