She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize