I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
