Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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