She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
