I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
