I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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