I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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