her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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