so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
