he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
