If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
