My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
