I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
